The Holy Land Experience, Orlando, Florida
What Would Jesus Don?
Mary Magdalene let loose with a BeDazzler.
That was my first thought as I entered the Christus Wax Figure display at The Holy Land Experience. I learned later that the figures came from the now defunct Christus Gardens in Gatlinburg, Tennessee – a religious roadside attraction that shut its doors in 2008 after 49 years of waxing poetic on the life of Jesus.
The displays have now been resurrected in this little piece of Christian heaven alongside Orlando’s I-4, and in this incarnation the HLE couturiers have amped up the volume on the garb. One part gaudy, two parts garish, it screams…awesome! Unless you’re a Holy Land purist, in which case it just screams.
At Christus Gardens, the figures sported more demure threads appropriate for the time. Here, it’s the Amish meets André Leon Talley.
Eat This in Memory of Me
Since I hadn’t had breakfast, I was hungry enough to eat the leg off the Lamb of God, so I headed to the cafeteria with hopes of heavenly manna. Sadly, there were no fishes and loaves on the menu, but there were plenty of burgers and fries. I settled on the Goliath burger (slingshot sold separately), with David-sized fries. Fearing accusations of gluttony, I stayed away from the Chocolate Corruption cake.
Lesser Children of God
All God’s children may very well get into heaven, but not many make it to the Smile of a Child Adventure Land at HLE. Mostly because there’s not a lot to do, save the giant turd-shaped rock-climbing wall.
But I’m puzzled why more kids didn’t jump at the chance to toss a beanbag at the heart of Satan.
It’s easy to see why they steered clear of the Children of All Nations (at least I think that’s what it was called). Think It’s a Small World After All in miniature, but instead of Disney’s annoying trademark song, it’s annoying hymns of praise and devotion. Non-stop. The beanbags would get more use here.
The whale from Jonah and the Whale fame looked promising…
…but inside were two of the few teenagers I saw at the park. I think they were looking for a spot to sneak a smoke. That’s Jonah on your left.
Even the cooling mist provided by Moses parting the Red Sea failed to lure the faithful.
The Gift of God
If there is one place where the flock congregates at HLE, it’s in the gift shops. There are several throughout the park. And while I did not walk away with the Evangecube or the Holy Land Fan/Water Spritzer, I did find some funny greeting cards and a Gund Teddy Bear. In a monk’s outfit of course.
The Agony in the Garden
Said to be the place where Jesus and his disciples prayed the night before he was crucified, and where that ne’er-do- well Judas planted that fateful kiss, The Garden of Gethsemane in Jerusalem lies at the foot of the Mount of Olives. I went there in 1999. It was beautiful. It offered lush gardens and tranquil spots for quiet reflection and prayer.
The Garden of Gethsemane at HLE offers none of these. It resembles the foyer of a Greek restaurant. I felt betrayed. So in that respect, I suppose HLE succeeded.
Sneaky buggers.
Wonderwall
The Holy Land Experience also offers the opportunity to place your prayers in a giant plastic mock-up of Jerusalem’s Western Wall. Prayers are flown once a month to the Holy Land and placed in the cracks of the actual Western Wall.
Inauthentic? Initially, that’s what I thought. Then I discovered you can do it online. The folks at AISH.com will let you type your message straight from the comfort of your home and a student of Aish HaTorah will print it out and place it in the wall for you. You can even tweet it. Just send a DM to @wallprayers. (I’m not kidding.)
At least the Holy Land Experience makes you put pen to paper.
Good Things Come to Those Who Wait
It’s easy to throw stones at The Holy Land Experience — religious types say it takes too many liberties, non-religious types say it’s too cheesy. But there is some good to be had at the park.
The Passion/We Shall Behold Him show at the 2000-seat Church of All Nations auditorium is a well-oiled stage production. The lighting, costumes, and staging alone make it worth the hour.
The Scriptorium, which houses the world’s fourth-largest collection of bibles, is informative and well laid out, and would be even better if you weren’t trapped in it for 55 minutes (seriously, the doors do not open once the show starts).
And the Sing for the King Karaoke was an unexpected feel-good highlight featuring armchair gospel singers giving it their all. They must take private singing lessons.
Holy or Hokey?
The Holy Land Experience has certainly grown from its humble beginnings. At the outset, characters were dressed in plain garb more befitting the time of Jesus, plays were performed outside to much smaller crowds, and there was a decidedly less glitzy air to the whole business. But people stopped coming, and it was sold to the Trinity Broadcasting Network.
Now in an effort to drive up numbers, the garb is more glamorous, the shows are more theatrical, and the shops are…well, just more. And that seems to offend their base.
So, has The Holy Land Experience gone too far? In my opinion, they haven’t gone far enough.
If part of their mission is “to proclaim the Gospel to as many people as possible” then they are clearly preaching to the converted. Shepherding aging Christians around a plasticized and bejewelled Holy Land only serves to offend aging Christians. If they are shooting for the true Holy Land Experience with a more accurate depiction of the times, then bury the place in sand, stick in a couple of live camels, and smear some goat’s blood on the doors. Perhaps even a public stoning every hour on the hour. Throw in some duelling Pharisees and Sadducees, and you got yourself a holy land. Authenticity accompli.
But if they are going for the tire-kickers – the unwashed masses — then they need to up their game a smidge. Get that potato chip that looks like Jesus, bring in that painting of the Virgin Mary that cries blood, start selling Pope on a rope, and watch the throngs storm the turnstile.
There was even a chap in the UK who claimed to have an image of JC burned into his frying pan. I’d pay to see that. And I’m betting lots more would too. Serve them all Grilled Cheesus sandwiches, and the HLE will soon find themselves in a sea of lookie-loos ripe for conversion.
Now that would be an experience.
If you haven’t already, check out The Holy Land Experience: Part One
I was in Orlando as part of the Aeroplan Welcome Aboard Event – and flight reserved exclusively for Aeroplan and CIBC Aero Card holders. Learn more about Aeroplan rewards at www.aeroplan.com.
America 
Canada 
Oman 
I thought you were joking about the evangicube and spritzer fan until I saw the pictures. When I read that you were locked in the scriptorium for 55 minutes I laughed so hard I dropped the phone. What crazy day excursions you choose, though they give the rest of us a laugh.
I hope (dare I say “pray”) that you didn’t hurt your phone!
Oh this is far, far and away the schlockiest place to visit I have ever heard of.
My admiration of you for sticking around long enough to photograph it is surpassed only by my sympathy for you having to endure it.
Thanks David! America has plenty of schlocky places though!
I have been waiting a long time to hear about Part 2 of the Holy Land Experience and I must say, this post was worth the wait. Great humor! And I love your writing style.
I for one will never pay to visit this place, so I appreciate the full-report, including the Turd-Shaped Wall! Hahaha
Thanks Ben — and thanks for being so patient! Glad you liked it and the turd-shaped wall.
Bwahaha! This was well worth the wait, Sir Raymond. I can’t believe they lock you in the scriptorium – isn’t that a fire hazard or something? Wait, yes – yes it IS a fire hazard.
Seems like they’re mostly preaching to the choir, but who knows… maybe those two hoodlum teens were converted!
I think it is for sure a fire hazard, but maybe they’re going for a Burning Bush type scenario as a bonus for some.
Holy moly this was hilarious. And I think for sticking with this experience as long as you did you should be made a saint.
And it was probably just me but I totally thought of Elvis, not Jesus, when I saw the sing for the king Karaoke sign.
I’m a martyr for the cause!
This place looks deeply amazing to read about. I think that is as far as I would want to go though… well done on performing this vital service on behalf of the rest of us
My work here is done then. Next stop: Dollywood.
Sweet Jesus. I love your suggestions to make the place more authentic. Great read!
Thanks Michael! Glad you liked it!
Okay this is THE creepiest thing you have written about it. Do people go here seriously, or does everyone think it`s ridiculous
There’s a TON of people that go here seriously. Seriously.
Lol… I have to agree, I think I would be more interested in seeing a Jesus potato chip or Grilled Cheesus sandwiches.
I kinda knew you would.
Ha! This is awesome. I’ve been an Andrew Lloyd Webber fan since birth but only saw Jesus Christ Superstar onstage for the first time last month. Have you seen it? It was also heavy on the Jerusalem imagery…and the sequins.
I’m seen the movie AND the musical. I’ve even got “I Don’t Know How to Love Him” in my head right now. Thanks for that.
All this time, I’ve been thanking tuxedo t-shirt wearing Jesus for my daily meals, but it never felt quite right. Bedazzled Jesus feels so much more right. I’m thanking him from now on…
Thanks for this…
Give thanks to the Lord for he is good…and looks good in sequins.
Serious dedication on your part to cover all of that. If I weren’t laughing I’d cry.
Tears of Joy right?
This is one of those “Only in America” type of places – I don’t think it was there last time I was in Orlando…not that I would have looked for it. A bit creepy for my taste but certainly an interesting discovery!
Oh My Gawd. So bizarre to read this after coming from the “real” holy land. If this one in Orlando has air conditioning, I might have chosen it instead.
So creeped out by this. Would probably have a go on the giant turd though!
A bedazzler and neon shiny fabric…. they were quite advanced in biblical times.
OK I am all for honoring God and teaching biblical history to people in a fun way. However, this is way too cheesy. At least your guide through the park was very entertaining but I would be embarrassed to visit this place.
Despite the sarcasm and exaggeration at the end, I think you are spot on. If they really want to reach out to people with this, they need a different approach.
Thank you SO MUCH for this followup. This may be the most amazingly corny thing I’ve seen in all my days.
Brilliant. Looking forward to Part 3.
Oh my god, this is WEIRD!
Sounds like you are having so much fun. That was a wonderful experience ever in the Holy Land I am wanting to go there and have some great time there.
My son asks me for going there all the time:))any other impressions?
Wow, the rooms and displays in that place are truly puzzling and bizarre! Perhaps the writing wall takes the cake, in my opinion, esp. with the ability to Tw in your prayers! ahahahaaa!
Meanwhile…
Florida is definitely a paradise for tacky, hokey and kitsch!
Luckily, then, I landed in St Petersburg, which thankfully has NONe of it.
) ..even better, my mom and brother both live there, so i can skip ‘vacationland Floride’ whenever I visit.
Unless, of course, I want to visit. Then, Hallelujah, Orlando is just a one hour drive away!
cheers, Lash