Okay yes, I did go to a ping pong show in Thailand. Willingly.
My pal Matt from XpatMatt.com felt bad that he was deserting me in Rayong during my birthday, so he suggested we go out for a night on the town in Pattaya the week prior.
I replied, “Only if we go see a ping pong show.”
I couldn’t believe I actually uttered the words out loud. Outwardly I’d always been vocal about how disgusting and demeaning towards women these types of sex shows were, but secretly, well that was a different story. I always wanted to catch a glimpse of Thai girls doing vaginal acrobatics.
Plus being in Thailand and being surrounded by peculiar attractions, isn’t the next obvious step to go check one out? Purely for journalistic purposes of course. I never had the gumption to go by myself, now here was Matt, practically offering to be my guide through the seedy world of Pattaya’s nightlife. On my birthday. Somehow it all seemed appropriate.
Little did I know that I wouldn’t be the one blowing out the candles though. But more on that in a bit.
WARNING: The rest of the post contains some pretty graphic language about sex and sex workers. If that’s not your cup of tea, then how about some harmless salt and pepper shakers, or perhaps some cute little gophers instead.
Table of Contents
- 1 What is a Ping Pong Show?
- 2 Pattaya Nightlife on Walking Street
- 3 The Ping Pong Show Experience
- 4 Tips for Avoiding Ping Pong Show Scams in Thailand
- 5 A Note about Those Thai Girls
What is a Ping Pong Show?
Sad for a grown man I know, but there you have it. I am what I am.
For the uninitiated, a ping pong show is when a woman shoots ping pong balls out of her vagina. But wait…you see, it’s not limited to only ping pong balls. Oh no. The vadge is capable of so much more. It’s Ping Pong 2.0. All manner of articles can be inserted, retained, and ejected from the vaginal cavity. Darts, cigarettes, small animals — you name it. I’ve read that goldfish, frogs, and even gerbils have made their way onto the stage and into…well, you know where.
Ping pong shows are one of the more popular Pattaya attractions, and tourists come in droves to be disgusted, amused, and occasionally aroused at the marvels undertaken by the nether regions of Thai women. Although it may seem unusual to many Westerners, it’s pretty much a staple in Thailand nightlife. And I do consider myself to be open-minded, I mean, I have been kissed by a ladyboy in Koh Samui before. So there’s that.
Pattaya Nightlife on Walking Street
Pattaya certainly lives up to its reputation as “Sex Capital of the World.” Most of the sex tourism that happens here is centred in and around Pattaya’s Walking Street (although there is another fairly large girlie gogo bar/ping pong show enclave in the Pattaya Soi 6 area.)
Now how exactly can I describe Walking Street in Pattaya to you? If you’ve been to Bangkok, it’s like the Patpong Red Light District in Bang Rak off of Silom Road. If you’ve been to Phuket, it’s like the Bangla Road area in Patong Beach. If you haven’t been to either of those places, well, it’s basically live sex shows, gogo bars, and scantily clad Thai women (and a fair number of Russian women too) imploring you to come on in, so they can take it all off.
Touts for Pattaya gogo bars persist in shoving menus of the sex acts available in your face with cries of “Ping Pong, Ping Pong! Banana, Banana!” Thai prostitutes (and let’s not forget those Russian girls) tease you with that “love-you-long-time” come hither stare.
I’ve been to both Patpong and Bangla, but Walking Street, well Walking Street is place like no other. If Patpong and Bangla had a love child (because, like they’d use a condom), its name would be Walking Street. Pattaya nightlife is blinding neon with a disco beat, and with more drunks than an open bar at an Irish wake. It’s the Las Vegas of sex shows. And like Vegas, you’re guaranteed to lose money.If seedy had a smell, the stench here would be unbearable. #Pattaya #ThailandClick To Tweet
The Ping Pong Show Experience
We weren’t on Walking Street for even a minute before a tout approached us, waving a laminated ping pong show menu in the air: “You want Pussy Ping Pong Show? You want live sex show?”
Well, since you asked so nicely.
He led us to a GoGo bar in a side alley named Rocket Club A-Go-Go where we paid our 300 baht admission, which included one drink. Many of the GoGo bars advertise “FREE SEXY LADIES PING PONG SHOW — ONLY BUY A DRINK,” then they charge you an exorbitant amount for that one drink, so I was glad that these guys were at least upfront about the cost.
A stern looking older lady approached us, showed us to our seats, and handed us a rather large menu with all sorts of fancy hi-balls and cocktails.
I asked, “Are these the drinks that are included in the admission price?”
She then pulls out a much smaller menu that only has two items on it:
- Draft beer
Many of the dancers seemed bored out of their minds. A few of the GoGo bar girls seemed drugged even more so than the poor creatures at Thailand’s Tiger Temple. But I guess if I had to shoot ping pong balls and darts out my snatch, I’d need a little something to take the edge off too.
Since photography and video are strictly forbidden, Matt asked one of the waitresses for a piece of paper and a pen so I could take notes during the show. Instead of kicking us out, or perhaps asking “What the f***? You want to take notes?” she gladly complied. I’m happy to report I made extensive notes about the order of the acts, the expressions on the girl’s faces, the reactions of the audience — as much detail as I could while keeping a close eye on the entertainment.
Of course somewhere during the night I lost that coveted piece of paper. I can just imagine some tourist’s kid finding it in the gutter the next day: “Mommy, is this someone’s bucket list?”
In any case, I shall try to recount as much as possible about the activities that eve.
Pussy writes letters
Is this how the Vagina Monologues started? That was my first thought, but no, this is where a Thai girl puts pussy to parchment. A gal wielding a Sharpie makes her way to the stage, and a slightly older lady (I’ll call her Pageant Mom), asks for someone’s name from the audience. Some chap yells out, “Paul!” (or Ringo, or something like that), and the entertainer (“ping pong girl” just seems so degrading at this point) places the marker firmly in her wazoo, and deftly begins to scribble on a blank sheet of paper, concentrating as if she were signing some important document, like the Magna Carta, or her parole release papers. Pageant Mom holds the finished product up for all to see, then gives it to Paul (or Ringo) with one hand, and then does the “gimme-gimme” signal with the other. I think he handed her a 100 baht note as a tip, but for genuine pussy penmanship, I think he got off easy. I bet that went straight on his fridge back home.
Pussy opens a bottle of Coca-Cola
Now I’m not sure why it’s not Pepsi, or Fanta, or some other sort of soda, but every pussy show menu I saw in Pattaya (and believe me, I saw many) only mentions opening a bottle of Coke. Kickbacks from Coca-Cola? Who’s to know for certain really. In any event, Coke’s got the market cornered.
And another thing I’d like to know — do all women possess this capacity? Or is it only Thai women? I’ve yet to see this particular skill advertised elsewhere. Does vaginal strength like that come with practice? Or is it inherent in all women, and all that’s needed is some degree of nakedness combined with a deep, unquenched thirst and lack of a bottle opener to release this talent?
There should be some sort of government funding to study this. Just sayin’.
In any case, one of the infamous Pattaya girls opened a bottle of Coke with her vagina. Not much fanfare, and it was all over pretty quickly.
Pussy blows out candles
Just when I thought I had seen it all. I figured that the candles would be on a cake, or perhaps a muffin (I mean, how appropriate would that be?) But no, the candle was actually inserted into the woman’s vagina, lit end sticking out, and she blew it out using only girl power.
I’m not sure what forces of nature were conjured to complete such a feat, but that’s one act I applauded.
Pussy ping pong show
This was what I came for. The main event. The ping pong ball extravaganza. And it went off just as you’d expect. Pageant Mom asked for a volunteer from the audience to hold the ping pong paddle, but since no one was offering, she ended up taking the helm of that task herself. A Thai girl made her way to the stage, laid down on her back, planted her feet firmly on the stage floor, then arched her back up so her lady bits faced Pageant Mom. Then she started shooting ping pong balls out of her vagina, just as advertised. The sloppy popping sound got to be a bit much after a while, and like most in the audience, I was glad when it was over.
And so on it went. Smoking a cigarette through the vagina. Removing what seemed like 20 feet of silk from the vagina. Breaking balloons by shooting darts from the vagina. And so on and so forth.
Honestly, after a while it got a bit tedious.
If I had one complaint about the show (other than the whole disgustingness of it all), it would be that there was very little explanation of what was going on. Matt and I had to move closer to see what was happening (it’s not like there’s a pussy Jumbotron to keep you in the loop.)
Too many times during the performances I found myself saying stuff like:
“Is that an egg?”
“That is an egg.”
“That’s not a string of razor blades is it?”
“That is a string of razor blades.”
And so on. A little bit more M.C.’ing by Pageant Mom would’ve helped. But then I suppose the mystery of it all would suffer. And what is art if you take away its mystery?
There was very little interaction from the audience members as well. Pageant Mom asked for volunteers during almost every act, but she was the one who ended up swatting the ping pong balls, holding the balloons, etc.
Most of the audience seemed to be enjoying the show about as much as the Thai girls performing did. There were more stony faces than Easter Island in the room that night. There were a few couples, a group of Middle Eastern men, and a couple of single girls. No sleazy old men, at least not while I was there. Just folks desperate for things to do in Pattaya at night.
I’d surmise most of the patrons ended up there out of pure curiosity — a “when in Rome” type attitude. And no one seemed to get turned on by the show, not in the least. I think horror with a dash of disgust were the popular emotions that night.
There was a certain detachment among the customers that night as well, like we were all watching a documentary about sex workers instead of actually watching sex workers. I think perhaps that’s why there was so little interaction. “I’m not really here I’m just lurking in the background” is a lot easier to process than realizing you’ve just paid money to watch women spew objects out of their vaginas.
Tips for Avoiding Ping Pong Show Scams in Thailand
- Do not go alone. You’re less likely to be bullied into paying extras if there is a big group of you.
- Be clear on the price for the show and for drinks. Some clubs will say 300 baht for the Ping Pong Show, but then when you go to leave they’ll say something like “Aha yes that was for the ping pong show, but you saw a balloon show, a razor show, a frog show…etc., etc,” and then try to charge you up to 3000 baht.
- Tip the girls. Don’t be a cheap bastard. They get a monthly salary, but are docked pay if they are late, miss a night, or any other multitude of excuses the club owner can invent. Tip money — that stuff they get to keep.
SCAM ALERT: Another scam in Pattaya involves taxi drivers — they tend to hover at the end of Walking Street and refuse to turn on the meter, charging you up to 4 times what it would normally cost to take you back to your hotel.
Since there is no Uber in Pattaya yet, one way to avoid this is to use the GrabTaxi app. It’s like Uber except with licensed and vetted taxi drivers, so you can be sure you’re paying only what you should. If you use my referral link here, we both get up to 8 bucks off our next ride.
A Note about Those Thai Girls
I know I did a lot of joking here about my experience at a ping pong show and the absurdity of it all. The reality though is that many of those Thai women find themselves working as GoGo girls as a result of poverty and due to circumstances beyond their control. Let’s face it, if you had any choice, would this really be the line of work you’d be in? Some of the women are the products of domestic violence, lack of a proper education, and in many cases, drug addiction.
There are also a host of dangers that the women face by inserting foreign objects into their bodies. For a sobering account of some of those hazards, read this story from the Pulitzer Center detailing the disfigurement of a Bangkok sex worker, who had razor blades lacerate her vaginal wall during a police raid of her establishment.
These women are not objects. So if you want to go to a ping pong show, please be respectful and remember that many of these women would rather be anywhere else. Once you see the show for yourself, you’ll probably be feeling the same way too.
What are your thoughts? Would you go see a ping pong show in Thailand?
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