Sapa to Hanoi, Vietnam
I don’t think bus rides agree very much with older Vietnamese women. There are two of them on my bus right now, both vomiting like sailors on a bender. And If there’s one thing that makes me vomit, it’s the smell of vomit. Thankfully I keep my breakfast just where I like it – down.
I’m taking the bus from Sapa to Lao Cai to catch the day train back to Hanoi, and as the driver circles through town, the tout yells out the window, trying his damndest to get bums in seats. When the older ladies board, pyjama-clad (because you’re never certain when the opportunity for a nap may present itself) they shimmy up to the window, open it full wide, and put on their best woman-in-agony faces.
They know what’s coming.
Shortly into the ride they gag like furball-choked Tabbies. A Duelling Banjos in retch. My friend Dave likes to call it “the throwing of the up.” Gratefully, there are plastic sandwich-sized sickness bags in each seat pocket, and they are on the receiving end for the better part of the journey. After use, like most things the Vietnamese have no further need for, they get fired out the window.
One chap is travelling with his grandmother. Or perhaps it’s a May-December romance, I’m not sure. I don’t think i could have held a bag while my nan threw up into it, but God love him, he did just that. Then, when her strength failed her, he fired it out the window. Now that’s devotion.
When we get to the train station, we go our separate ways, I search for my car, and then settle into my seat. It’s 9:30 am and we’re off to a rousing start. The gentleman seated across from me plays “I Don’t Want No Short Dick Man” from his phone.
It’s going to be a long ride.
Travel Tips
- Buy your ticket from Lao Cai to Hanoi at the train station in Lao Cai instead of in Sapa. Hotels in Sapa will charge almost double the price if you are taking a soft seat train, and then staple a “Please arrive at the train station at least 30 minutes prior to departure” notice to it in an attempt to cover the actual train fare.
- Minivans leave regularly from Sapa to the train station in Lao Cai. Most hotels charge 40,000 Dong (around $2 US), or you can just walk to the main square outside the tourist information office and flag one down from there.
Oman 
Oh my!!! Strong you are you didn’t get sick too while the bus was moving, I don’t think I would have made it!
I had my head hanging out the window. Like a dog on a road trip.
Ah Vietnamese bus rides, always good fun!
Thou that being said, none of my bus rides were quite that bad there, thankfully
I felt bad for the poor women. but I felt even worse for me.
Even if my beloved grandma was still with us I probably wouldn’t hold her sick bag for her. that’s just the way I roll.
Funny post about what sounds like a trying day of travel.
It eventually got better on the train. I’m starting to sign the praises of train travel. Me and buses don’t mix so well.
omg I have to applaud you for sitting through that bus ride. If anyone vomits, I will vomit too (no tolerance towards stuff like that).
I think I will rent a motorcycle when I travel to Vietnam then.
The worse part was that they were both in front of me. I feared spindrift with every gust of wind.
You’re taking your life in your hands renting a motorcycle in Vietnam — especially in the cities.
LOL! What a ride. I can’t really comment on the vomiters, though. I’ve had the pleasure of getting sick in front of a plane full of people. It’s so embarassing!
Thankfully, I’ve only gotten sick in front of a bar full of people. They’re much more forgiving.
Oh jebus. I don’t cope well with other people’s vomit. It’s on my list of phobias. I’m always haunted by these bus journey stories.
I just tried to think of rainbows and lollipops and lottery wins — only happy thoughts…
Oh, sick. I nearly threw up just reading this post… this is why bus rides terrify me!
Haha! Awesome Emily! I love it when readers really FEEL my writing!
I think there are more people in the third world countries who vomit on rides because they simply aren’t used to being in large moving vehicles. They’re more used to bikes, scooters and other similar smaller rides (for short distances). Luckily there are bags for it. But you won’t catch me holding one for someone else either. I can’t even look at vomit without wanting to gag, much less hear someone vomiting and feeling the hot grossness on the bag.
“The hot grossness of the bag” — thanks Sherry. I thing I had a touch of the up right now.
But they take such crazy speeding journeys on motorbikes and such – can’t believe their stomachs aren’t stronger, haha. I was recently touched by the, er, up of a little boy on a flight. Not fun!
“Touched by the Up” — I like that title! I think maybe it’s the confined space. If they’re footloose and fancy-free on a moped, they are all iron-guts.
I don’t think I could handle it!
Some smelling salts would have come in handy.
I didn’t have my passport (stolen) in Vietnam so I took the train from Hanoi to Saigon, fortunately for me there was no throw up – although it took me a while to find the foreigners bathroom and the other ones almost made me throw up.
Yeah the local WC is a little gross. Too much liquid floating about on the floor. Ugh.
Firstly, thanks for the (very timely) tips (as I’ll likewise be on just such a bus in Sapa in a few weeks – hmmm, I’m thinkin’ blindfold and iPod earbuds…). Still, those Sapa pics look most enticing.
That said, LOL – you should be proud. It is surely but a rare few wordsmiths that can tweak the telling of an upchuck story, into a delightful and charming read!
P.S. Just curious – why not the overnight train to/fro Hanoi? Saves $ and maximizes your explore time, no?
Thanks for the wordsmithing compliment Dyanne — much obliged!
I took the overnight train from Hanoi to Lao Cai and it was actually pretty good. I wanted to take the day train on the reverse so I could see the sights, plus it was a lot cheaper ($8.50 for a soft seat as opposed to $30 for a soft sleeper). The mini-van from Lao Cai to Sapa is inevitable I’m afraid…
Excellent point Raymond (about the scenery – so was it good?) And cheaper is even better. I plan on o/n train Hanoi-Lao Cai, then 2 nts. homestay (arranged on my own when I arrive – possible? est. dong?); then it’s back (now, via day train, thanks) to Hanoi and hop on the 30 hr. nt. train to Saigon. Any tips? Problems w/ my plan? Thnx much.
I quite liked the scenery even if it did rain for most of the trip. It was good because I got to chat with a few folks along the way — something I wouldn’t have done if I was sleeping (at least I hope not). It does take a bit longer than the overnight train. I left at 9:15 AM and got in around 8:00 PM.
The homestay should be no problem to arrange, but sometimes they cancel due to rain (like the day I was supposed to go). I’ll check around for prices for you and send you an email — I didn’t really ask because I knew I only wanted the trek.
The only caveat I had about the homestay was that the places I saw along the trail were not quite what I was expecting. Most had large signs outside that said ‘Traditional Homestay’ with signs for Coke and Tiger Beer and fridges with coolers. The one I did in Northern Thailand was basically a hut. They cooked dinner on a fire in the middle of the room. The toilet was a hole in the ground. We stopped for lunch at one homestay place in Sapa, and the bathroom was nicer than the one at my hotel. I would strongly recommend reading a tonn of reviews if you get the chance. Otherwise, you may be getting a very watered down version of a homestay.
Also (sorry to ramble), if you are pressed for time, you can always fly from Hanoi to Ho Chi Minh city. Flights are super-cheap within Vietnam. I use skyscanner.net, and you should be able to find flights for about 60 bucks one way, which may actually even be cheaper than the train.
Hope this helps!
Enormously. Esp. the $60 o.w. air – I had checked and thought it was around $150 o.w. (but yes, skyscanner is now showing around $60 – clearly a no-brainer.)
And the homestay. Yes, I was afraid of that. But I’ve been scouring the options and hope to find some (albeit likely more distant – read: arduous, trek) that are more authentic.
So very helpful to get such fresh, first hand tips – thanks!
OMG I haven’t heard that song in AGES.
I think I would have been puking as well. The domino effect gets me every time. Reminds me of that scene from the Sandlot…
There’s a song?
The “I Don’t Want Not Short Dick Man” SONG!
Hee hee…gotcha to type ‘dick’
I can type dick all day long… Dick. <3
Oh you crazy kids.
OMG! Sorry to say, but your stomach is stronger then ours, we would have been using the baggies to, not from the motion, but from hearing the wrenching.
Needless to say, you have some interesting stories…
Love it!
Nancy & Shawn
p.s. you should have been a comedian, or maybe you are, not sure.
Thanks Powers. May I call you Powers? Or Powerses? No…that reminds me too much of Homer saying Flanderses.
In any case, thanks Nancy and Shawn, I am not a comedian, but I do like to have (and make) fun!
And I kvetched because it took us 4.5 hours to get from Vancouver, BC to Seattle on the bus (it takes 2-ish in a car). No vomit, no “..short dicked man…” just too long.
I have checked myself.
Sorry, I got confused when you had “short dicked man” and “just too long” in the same sentence.
Ick. This made me queasy just reading it!
You are one strong man. I would have lost breakfast if I had to experience that near me. I was cracking up reading this. What was up with that cell phone tune?? I really don’t need to know.
I went to my happy place, which was with my head outside the window.
That sounds like something along the lines of the barf-o-rama from Stand By Me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=STB4s7Qhf40
It’s good that at least they had bags. Imagine being on a scooter on the side of the road and having one of those tossed in your face
Yeah didn’t seem to care where it went after it left their hands. “Vietnamese road rockets” I like to call ‘em.
And I loved that movie — and the book it came from.
OMG! Just reading about the “throwing of the up” makes me want to puke too. I don’t know if I could have handled that bus ride. Great story though!
Thanks Michael. I deserve a “I am a puke survivor” medal I believe.
I think I have a serious future as a senior citizen Vietnamese woman.
I get motion-sick quite easily, love the look of plaid, and given the opportunity, would probably enjoy a May-December romance…
Sarah — you are hilarious! Love it!
I have the same response to vomit, which is why I’ve decided I should probably never have kids. Either that or they’re going to have to clean up their own damn throw-up when it invariably happens.
Also, when I vomit it always comes out my nose, which makes it way worse.
Too much information?
The only vomit I can handle is my children. It is pretty amazing what you’ll do and put up with for your children!
And see, the vomit I can handle the least is OPC (other people’s children).
I don’t think I would have made it on that bus! I don’t do well with vomit.
oh my…i don’t think i would’ve survived that. i don’t do well with hearing vomiting OR smelling it!!
The hearing it was the worst. Ugh.
I think I’m more disgusted by the man’s choice of phone music than I am by the vomit. But that’s just me.
Yeah, that song is pretty lame. But at least it wasn’t “Barbie Girl”
I’m with Chris on this one. That dudes music made me throw up in my mouth a little.
That must have been a long effing ride.
Okay that comment made my throw up in MY mouth a little.
Haha, nice to see nothing has changed. We were in Vietnam/Laos etc in 2004 and had the same experience. It was on a bus ride in Burma where it got really bad. Everyone was hacking and throwing up and to top it off they were all eating Beetlenut and spitting out the red juice all over the floor. The stench was unbearable. We were originally going to go on to China but that bus ride was enough to turn us off. We had heard so much about the spitting and hacking there that we just couldn’t face things getting worse! We went to Bali instead and it took us 6 more years before we finally made it to China:-)
Thankfully they weren’t spitting betelnut juice all over the place. That’s too bad you waited so long for China. I still need to make it there one day…
Hey, I threw up a couple of times myself. But reading this post was worse then the bus ride itself. Feel like puking right now.
haha — I’m sorry Suzaina. Let me hold your hair back. I’d do that for you…
Ewww!!! I don’t get motion sickness, but I definitely feel sick when I see other people throwing up. I’m glad you were able to keep your food down! Those poor little old ladies.
Yeah they were having no fun whatsoever…
Gosh, I would not have wanted to be on that bus! I could smell vomit as I read but I was also laughing really hard. The way you tell it is funny.
Haha — thanks! Glad I can have such an effect! Much appreciated…
Man what a trip. I certainly don’t envy you!
How can you not envy me? I didn’t throw up!
Are you planning to visit Indonesia? Some very prolific vomiters there too. Have you had the bag thrown across you out of the window yet?
I will make it to Indonesia one day. And luckily, I’ve been able to dodge the road rockets.
I think you’re about the 30th person who has told me about the vomiting South-East Asian bus ladies hahaha… I’m terrified of travelling the region for that reason alone. haha
You should still some here! You get used to the gagging and spitting after a couple of weeks.
We didn’t have a good experience on our Beijing bus ride- throw up, kids crying and pee. yep- it was awful!
I remember one bus ride in Egypt where the toilet overflowed. The stench was unbearable. Thankfully I was at the front.
And kids. Sheesh. That’s why I carry children’s Nyquil when I travel — slip it in their sippy cup, and boom, it’s lights out…
(That’s a joke — parents, don’t be hatin’)
Oh, wow. I would have done the same thing if I was on that bus!! Side note: that song. Whatever happened to Gilette?? We had a dance routine to that in my teens. Don’t judge.
You should recreate that routine and Youtube it — I’m sure it would be a hit.
And Gillette has her own Wiki entry (eho knew?)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gillette_(singer)
Visited the high reaches of Himalayas last year and it was fantastic. Thankfully I dont suffer from altitude sickness.
Have a wonderful weekend:)
That would have been a fantastic trip! Very jealous!
Hahaha! You make it sound so appealing!! Have a great day … if you can stop gagging!!